Tinfoil Hats

image from morettafra.altervista.org

I have, over time, become something of a nut over conspiracy theories.  My family jokes about me to friends and relatives… and people we don’t know that overhear me in restaurants.    Okay, I admit it.  I believe in some pretty loony things that I repeatedly search out on the internet.  I suppose it can all be traced back to college speech class where I gave a serious informative speech about why vampires are real, and the evidence (pre-internet loony-bin sites) from library books about nosferatus and the vampire of Croglin Grange.  The speech teacher told me he would’ve failed me for the class, except I was too entertaining.  Saved by a fool’s inherent comedy value.

The internet has proved to be a real boost to my addiction with its plethora of fake UFO pictures and New World Order/ Illuminati conspiracies.  I am caught up in so many things it worries me.  Of course, I will lie and say I am researching for my fiction.  I write humor, and thus require large amounts of otherwise useless trivia to fuel my extended puns, over-blown metaphors, and purple paisley prose.  I also like to write about clown characters; evil-hearted old men with lies too unbelievable to cause disbelief, fools who believe the fantastically foolish things that all fools believe, slapstick jokers whose pranks land them in the middle of demonic possessions and alien invasions, and gullible goofs who  end up sounding just like me.  Any excuse in a storm of protests, right?

Here’s what I believe in the terms I can best defend it;

1.  John Kennedy was killed by a conspiracy that probably included E. Howard Hunt, George H.W. Bush, and J. Edgar Hoover.  There was obviously at least one extra shooter.  There was a cover-up that at the very least included covering up gross incompetence.  At the very worst, he was executed by rogue elements of our own government that may still hold power.  Of course, most of the “experts” that give you the facts for your puzzling-efforts make their living off conspiracy theories and the books they can sell.  Especially the books they can sell to gullible goofs who accept what they read as worth consideration.  Some of the information comes by way of various investigators and prosecutors that became mentally unbalanced to the point of pursuing things to the degree that it destroyed their careers.
2. Aliens did crash in the Roswell, New Mexico area, and the U.S. Government did recover wreckage which was then back-engineered.  I have seen and heard enough evidence to know that the truth has been suppressed since 1947, and there are cracks in the government’s armor, and holes in the government’s collecting sacks.  The truth is probably far more mundane and harmless than all of this sounds, because, seriously, if aliens wanted to take the Earth away from us, what could stop them?  They have technology that can cross interstellar space.   All we have is bad science fiction by gullible goofs like me.
3. The 9/11 Truthers worry me.  I know there’s a lot of bad science there.  A lot of shysters and hucksters play on peoples’ fears and anti-government sentiments.  But the truth is… I do not believe those planes brought down the twin towers.  And they certainly didn’t bring down the World Trade Center 7 building that wasn’t even hit by a plane.    I don’t want to believe it, but those buildings did fall exactly like a controlled demolition.  Concrete and steel designed to withstand a hit from a 747, and yet they were pulverized, and the debris burned for a month?  The implications are horrible.  Somebody should be in jail by now.
4. The Illuminati are not real… at least not any more.  The New World Order, the Bilderburgers, the Tri-lateral Commission, the Knights Templar, and the Free Masons are only dangerous in the minds of paranoid people who listen to B.S, salesmen like Alex Jones and Jim Fetzer.
5. There are no lizard men from outer space masquerading as world leaders.  Thank you David Icke for that amusing tidbit.
6. Nikola Tesla did not send the USS Eldridge through a black hole in 1943 while trying to make it invisible.

So now you see why my family makes fun of me.  I recently saw a UFO over Carrollton in the Dallas-Fort Worth area.  It was box shaped, and floated silently.  A military-looking jet approached,  and it suddenly disappeared.  It was the first UFO I ever saw.  My oldest son saw it too.  And I am only too well aware that UFO means UNIDENTIFIED flying object.  My government knows what it is.  They just aren’t telling the rest of us.   

Alien girls dancing to Mickey Mouse Club music in my book, Catch a Falling Star.